


But i am here

by tumorpunk (orphan_account)



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, civil war - Fandom
Genre: Death from Old Age, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Heartbreak, M/M, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-05
Updated: 2019-06-05
Packaged: 2020-04-08 10:03:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19104901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/tumorpunk
Summary: When Steve left Bucky like that in Endgame, he leaves him heartbroken, alone and grieving for his purpose in life. But eventually Sam is there...





	But i am here

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanted to write a oneshot, but it accidentally turned into a short fanfiction...or whatever a thing.   
> I don't personally like it that much, maybe because english isn't my first language and I just don't have the vocabulary which would be necessary to write things like this. so,,,i'm sorry if it's bad.

Bucky always trusted him. Bucky trusted his words, as he said, he was worth all this. Splitting his team up just for him, making clear that he is okay, hiding from the world and everyone else in Wakanda, so that Shuri and all the other smart people there could try to find the cure and solve the "Winter Soldier" problem. Visiting him every two weeks to spend time with him, finally the first since the 1940's. Although there was still so much trauma which chased him, memories of the people who were dead because of his actions, hunting him, making him feel terrible and guilty, he finally started to recover and feel safe. There was no fight, no war, just a lot of people putting all effort into his recovering. But then, unfortunately they needed him. They needed him to fight. Suddenly, the place he grew some kind of safety of, was changed into a place of death, chaos and destruction. He still sees the dead bodies of the monsters tied in half or less, he still hears their horrible screams and the screams of their victims, brave wakandarian fighters, it was like a bad dream, but at least he got Steve on his side. They would just go through this apocalypse together, like they always did. There was a time, when Bucky used to wake up from bad nightmares in the morning, and then going on the next day, because he had this little boy on his side, that small, blonde haired, skinny boy which he loved with his whole heart or more and who made him always happy. And since his memories were back, that love never got lost... since today. There was this war, between aliens and this whole country of Wakanda, because some dumb titan had to decide to destroy half the universe. He fought him himself, actually. But then there's nothing he remembers except his body turning to...dust. He didn't know what was happening, he wanted to run to Steve and be hold in his arms, safe from everything. But everything he got to say before disappearing was "Steve...?" He was his last thought before everything went white around him. He found himself in another world, with hundreds of millions of people, confused and panicking about what's happened. He waited for Steve to arrive, he didn't want to be alone again. But he didn't come. Bucky cried, or at least he tried it. In the "Soul realm", how the guy named Doctor Strange called it, there were no normal physical needs or abilities. There were no tears, although the entire of Bucky's soul seemed to cry. He wouldn't admit it, but he was afraid. Afraid that this had been it. He's never going to see his Steve again. The promise he gave him, he would be with him till the end of their line - it was a reminder, a little bit of hope he was given through the time in the soul stone. There was still the chance that the people who were left on earth, especially the avengers, would try everything to bring them back. But with every lived day - at least he thought so, there was no time like in the real world, the doubts came. The doubts that Steve would not want him back. No one wants him back. He has murdered a lot of people. Innocent people. Why would the world want him? So he waited and waited for something to happen, be it brought back to the world or even dying, he doesn't care. What could be worse than his past? He just wants to rest, even if this means he only finds his peace in death. He's just sad he never got to live his life. But then, suddenly, after all this time, he was back. Back on a battlefield even worse than the first one. He fought, and he won, together  with the others. They won the fight without Bucky losing Steve, because that should come after. After they defeated Thanos, Steve had to return the Infinity Stones to exact the place where they got them from. The Hulk built a Time Machine, Steve should be away for five seconds and then come back. Those five seconds were just as much time he would need. But Steve didn't appear after those five seconds. Sam, who stood next to him, began to ask, where he was, he and the Hulk started to discuss. Bucky turned away. He had a guess - but he never hoped it would come true. He always thought Steve loves him - turns out he always just wanted peggy. Bucky didnt hear Sam and Hulk anymore, he was busy being disappointed because of Steve's Betrayal. And he thought, he always knew the little boy. What a fool he was.  
Suddenly Bucky saw an old man sitting on a wood plank, looking out to the water. It was the unspoken truth, which began to last heavily on Bucky's shoulders. He didn't choose me. He chose her. "Sam." he called after his friend. They both slowly walked to the old man. They stopped. Sam looked at Bucky. "You should talk to him." Bucky said, hiding his disappointment and his broken heart. They shared a quick eye contact, and then Sam walked over to the man.  
A few seconds later he saw Sam and the old man talking. He didn't hear what they said, but the old man handed Sam over the Shield of Captain America in the end. Bucky looked down. Of course, his friend would be the best new Captain America, he deserves it more than anyone, he thinks. But Bucky felt disappointed anyway. Steve - this old man seemed to don't even know who Bucky was. He once told Bucky he worth all this - guess what, a lie. Bucky always thought, Steve loved him - A big lie, told from a man who even lies to himself. But the more Bucky thinks about it, he gets the painful truth. He doesn't even love himself, why should Steve possibly love him? Bucky himself thinks, he is a damaged person. He shouldn't be alive anymore, that's it. After Sam went away from Steve, and they were left alone, the old man called Bucky's Name. Bucky slowly walked over to him, his hands still in his pockets. "Do you still know who i am, old man?" He said, and meant it only for half as a joke. Steve took a tired laughter and Bucky laughed back a little. "Did you two have children?" Steve nodded, slowly, with a smile on his face. "What were their names? Steve waited for quite a time before answering his question. "I named them after you. The boy's name is James. The girl's name is Natasha." Bucky's face got sad. He genuinely didn't know what to think about this. He appreciated it, but at the same time he felt his heart bursting, as his eyes too, bursting into tears. "Why "Natasha?"" "I think after all, she was an important person in my life. I wanted to honor her. And you." He took a break from speaking.  "I'm sorry I couldn't help you, Buck." Suddenly Bucky got angry, too. "But you could've. If you only stayed here." Bucky's quiet voice almost broke. Steve turned around and looked into Bucky's eyes for the first time after his long life without him. He saw the tears in them. Bucky sniffled and looked in another direction. "I thought you'd be okay. I didn't know-" "Of course." Bucky interrupted him. "After all what happened the last few years...Listen, I really thought i was worth all this, Steve." His voice got lower. "You told me that. You fought everyone just to make sure I am safe and then you disappear and leave me alone as soon as you think i am okay? No." His voice almost breaked. He pointed at Steve with his finger, while he almost was crying. "You are a liar, Steve. And not just to me, first to yourself." He got more and more agitated and upset the more he said and at the end of his speech, he looked at Steve with a hurted and  disappointed expression. Steve didnt know what to answer, so he just remained in silence. "I think I just don't know the man sitting here before me good enough anymore." He spoke with a calm voice again. They looked each other in the eye, Steve seeing what he has really done while he was away. He felt sorry, but yet he was sure it was the right decision. Or was it? "Hey." Another person intruded theirself into the conversation. "Taxi's there. We should go now. You coming?" It was Sam. Of course. They should drive back to the city. "I once thought you loved me." Bucky quietly said, looking at the old man for the last time. "Let's go, Sam." Bucky started to walk away, leaving Steve behind him. Sam followed him, after looking at Steve confused. They got in the car, Bucky didn't say a word. Steve gazed after them for quite a time, thinking about his friend's words. Suddenly he wasn't so sure at all anymore. 

 

 

[ 3 months later:  
Bucky and Sam moved together in a flat after the events of Endgame. Soon after that Steve died because of his age. Bucky hasn't spoken with him yet, since they splitted up in dispute and now it was too late. Many people were at his funeral. Sam, Clint, Professor Hulk, literally everyone who fought with him once, all showed up. Well, Bucky didn't. He was still upset and broken. But also angry. He couldn't stand the funeral or people talking about Steve. He has always had a sense for living named Steve Rogers, and that man is gone. Not since he physically died, but since he left him. So Bucky is in his and Sam's apartment most of the time, sleeping or drinking alcohol or doing nothing. He suffers from depression, even he sometimes thought of suicide, because he has nothing in this world left. He thought. ]

Bucky often sits on their balcony, drinking, watching the city below their apartment, or, when it was in the evening, watching sunsets. It was one of these Evenings, when Sam joined Bucky. "Hey, don't you want to get in? It's cold." It was nearly winter, still autumn, but already cold and freezy as heck. "I've been at colder places, Sam." He paused, while Sam leaned in the door frame. "The winter is my home..." Sam sighed, then quickly went back into the flat, made a cup of hot chocolate and came back to bucky, carrying also a blanket with him. "Here, take this."He covered Bucky with the blanket and held the hot cup in front of his face. Bucky immediately felt the warmth the blanket gave off to his body and the hot cup also smelled really nice. Bucky didnt say thanks, but Sam also didnt need one, he knew he was thankful, even if he didn't admit it. And Sam didn't blame him for it. "Are you better?" Sam asked, taking a seat next to him, taking his wodka or whatever, hard alcoholics - stuff - bottle out of Bucky's cold hands and put it down on his right side on the ground. Bucky just grumbled and took the cup. They remained silent for a few seconds, before Sam started talking. "I know what 'ur thinking about...He only wanted to live his life." "Well, I thought he had a life since i had been with him again." He turned his head and looked at Sam. "I was a fool." He took a sip from the hot chocolate cup and warmed his fingers with it. "But that's just how life goes, isn't it? And life doesn't go well for me, I guess." He looked out into the dark sky again. "When i first met him - Sam started to say - "I tried to make him feel more confident. He was...totally lost here. I could see it, everyone could see it! You know, and..." He got serious. "Maybe he really didnt belong here." "He just...I thought he loved me. After all we've been through the past few years and all that he did for me...Just to leave me alone in the end." Bucky looked disappointed, which was in actual fact, his current mood since like...three months. "Look man. I know this may sound hard to you, but I'm sure he had his reasons. "And what about my reasons?" Bucky said quietly, desperately. "Maybe there's a reason why you are still here. Stop overthinking." Bucky nodded, understanding. Sam stood up, as he patted Bucky's shoulder. "Come in. It's cold." He finally said and walked back inside through the door. Bucky stayed on the balcony for a while, he came back inside when Sam was already sleeping. He went to bed without taking his clothes off or brushing his teeth. He was awake for an hour or two, unable to sleep, till he finally fell asleep.


End file.
